Making Choices Making Changes

...a guest article...

Behind many of the most significant spiritual changes in my life has been pain. Pain has been the pusher for me to make great changes. My sponsor has said to me at times "when the pain gets bad enough you will do something about it."

My choice to get sober was not much of a choice. I did not sit down and make a pros and cons list and make an informed decision. Honestly I had no idea what I was even choosing. The pain in my soul was screaming for relief and alcohol was no longer providing that relief. No matter how much I drank that pain would not go away. I was driven or carried to recovery from alcoholism. That was my very first significant spiritual change.

Once into my sobriety when the craziness in my head began to quiet and I could sit still for a period of time and read a paragraph with comprehension I could start making choices. Taking care of my physical, emotional and spiritual needs were first choices in changing. Again I needed those changes because of discomfort. Without alcohol as pass out fuel I needed to learn to sleep. The insanity of not being able to sleep is what prompted the change. I did make the choice to not pick up a drink to get relief, but mostly because thinking about going back to the pain of alcohol was great. So here again my choice was motivated by pain. Now it was a true choice to pick up or not. I had options for relief I had not previously known. God was by my side and I was finally able to understand that.

I have also made many choices out of love, joy, and enthusiasm to make changes in my life. Despite fears that are deeply ingrained in who I am with God by my side I built a life free from alcohol. I married my husband. A choice made from the heart and another huge change in my life. We have been together since 1995 and even in our darkest hours I do not regret the choice. The change of marrying has made me a better person and brought me places I would never have known had I not taken that plunge. When changes need to be made in my marriage they are again fueled by the pain of repeated character defects.

Making the choice to have a child was born of love and the changes are never ending in that decision. Changes I had no idea I would ever have to make but did and continue to do so to be a better mother. Even though the choice was of love the changes came out of pain. "Do I yell to much?" "Do I play enough?" "Do I feed my child the best I can?" The questions and self doubt can be endless. When something repeatedly feels wrong it is that pain which ultimately helps me to change my behaviors for the better.

Another huge change again fueled by pain came when I was 12 years sober. I had lost the connection with God through prayer and meditation. My conscious contact was once again blocked by the day in and day out little things in life. I was given a blessed full life in sobriety but slowly left God behind. I have heard story after story of people picking up after 10 to 15 years of sobriety. Now I was faced with a choice once again. Do I drink to get relief? Thankfully God was still with me and I did what I was taught. I doubled up on meetings, dove into the Steps, got back on the phone and most importantly began praying again. However what made this change so big was now I had to pray harder than before. Like they say, the progression of the dis-ease continues even in sobriety.

So head spinning the changes came. Hitting my knees and saying repeated prayers till I could focus on its full meaning. I used the 7th Step prayer frequently among others. This change in how I prayed and meditated hugely impacted my connection with God. It opened me up to so much more. It was by far one of the most painful times of my life giving me lots of fuel to change. And that I did.

I suppose we don't all need to wait for the pain to get bad enough to choose to change. For this alcoholic it has been my experience. I can make small choices to change daily. God will let me know if those changes are in His plans for me or not. In His time.

Gwen R.

TwelveBeads.com